DISCLAIMER: "Bob" as he is called in this text, as well as "The Teachings of Bob" is not in any way related to Bob of the Church of the Sub-Genius. The Bob of this work was developed independently, at a later date, owing its creation to the inspiration of the movie "Warlock" and the "Superman" comic books.
Foreword
by Blake Swopes, High Priest of Bob
It has been two years since I first revealed the teachings of Bob. His Word has spread far and wide, reaching even the farthest corners of Ventura County. Disciples have left our region to carry the Word to other, distant cultures, who may be too primitive to yet understand the Truth. To those brave souls, our hearts are with you and I light a marshmallow in your memory every night.
The Teachings of Bob was a complete work, and though it contains all that a person needs to find his or her path to Bob's door, I know that some of you want to read more of our mischevious creator. In the time since the first book, I have spent much time with Bob in contemplation of Stuff. While I will never truly understand Stuff, I have become to grasp some of the more basic concepts. The Science of Stuff was barely touched upon in Teachings, I felt it more important to explain the big guy, and his philosophy. So when it came time to create a sequel, the devout, those who have donated their time, their money, and their pizza to the church, suggested that I further address this topic.
The contents of this book are not meant for the uninitiated, as they will find it to be mere gobble-dee-gook. They cannot understand Stuff, who do not understand Bob. Do not lose heart if you find yourself struggling with the concepts, put your faith in Bob, and he shall show you the way. (Particularly attractive female members, may find it necessary to contact me for tutoring.)
Until next time, farewell, and may the power of the aglet watch over you.
Stuff is the stuff that holds the universe together. It is also the stuff that the universe is made of. Stuff is divine. Stuff is everything. Stuff... is people.
Stuff is bipolar, it is both good and evil, it is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the led and the eraser, the ink and the liquid paper. Stuff is not to be feared, for Stuff would be the thing doing the fearing. To quote from the Duckronomicon, the oldest known book of Bob,
As with all things, save Bob. It was created in the Great Yawning, when Bob found himself bored and created things. He created light, and coke, and pizza, and pennies, and that stuff on the bottom of soap. He didn't create Plato, that was a side-effect, but he did create Aristotle, and Alexander, and Cher, and That Guy Who Writes Fortune Cookies.
Alas, you have been tricked! Good, Evil, Bob cares not for these things. Good and Evil are of the same... Stuff. And do you truly believe that one so well versed in the ways of Bob would allow himself to be held against his will? No, my son/daughter/hermaphrodite/republican That Guy Who Writes Fortune Cookies is fine. Let your concern go, this was a test, and you have failed. But Bob is forgiving. Bob is also a bit senile.
Huh, oh yeah, the Stuff... Well, as the origins of the universe are told, there are only two things that existed before the Great Yawning (Other than Bob, that is) and those are playing cards and dark. So, obviously he made the universe out of playing cards. Or dark. Or both.
No. They were your basic, Bicycle brand, pinochle cards.
No, you cannot have Bob's deck, Bob no longer has a deck! You are Bob's deck, idiot! Besides, do you really think Bob would give his cards to a schmo like you? I don't think so!
Can I please have some real questions? Anyone? Hello? Yes! You in the red flannel shirt...
I'm not sure I follow...
Uhhhh-huh! Ok.... Anyone else?
Shut up Bill! You weren't invited! Probably just heard there was free food... You're a Baptist, not a Bobist! Go... go hold your breath!
Fine! Bob doesn't give a $hit! He doesn't care what's legal and what isn't! Laws don't apply to him. What are the cops going to do? Arrest the supreme being? And do they have handcuffs that come in XX-Devine? I doubt it.
Piss off! I learned it from you Bill... Just go away, we're already through chapter six, and you're stuck in chapter five. Maybe if you'd inhaled a little more often... you wouldn't have this oxygen deprivation stupidity. Can, can I get him removed? Thanks, just... don't piss off the Secret Service. They're going to get me in to see Victoria next week.
Oh, quiet! Jeeze, you guys are childish! All I do is mention a beautiful lingerie
model's name and you guys suddenly think we're sleeping together...
That does it, I'm leaving...
Thousand Oaks, CA March 1996
Chapter 1: What the hell is Stuff anyway?
of Stuff, I shall fear no Stuff, for I am one and all.
I am Stuff.
Chapter 2: How'd it get there?
Chapter 2A: I got a message from That Guy! He's being held hostage and forced to use his talents for Evil ends!
Chapter 3: What did he make it out of?
Chapter 3A: Were they those cool playing cards? The ones with the naked chicks, or the 52 different sexual positions?
Chapter 3B: I'd heard that Tarot cards were the predecessor to
those types of cards. So wouldn't they be Tarot cards?
Chapter 3C: Can I get a deck of Bob's cards? Or can I get my own deck autographed? The guy's at the office would flip!
Chapter 3D: Maybe Bob should get into the card making biz...
He could have cool artwork depicting the beginning of
the universe, that sort of thing...
Chapter 4: Uh, hey dude? What's up with Bob and the whole legalization thing? I mean, Bob made it so he's gotta support legalization, right?
Chapter 4A: You know, legalization? Pot? Oh, come on man, like anyone believes that you haven't tried it... Shya, right.
Chapter 5: I'd like to know the answer to the young man's question...
Chapter 6: You still haven't answered the question...
Chapter 5B: What a cop-out!