As High Priest of Bob, it is my duty, my honor, to bring the word of Bob to the masses. It is his will that I do this, not as a scheme to make money, but to bring enlightenment to the troubled souls in our world. The fact that I am accepting donations may seem contradictory to this, but I assure you that liberation is my true goal.
Bobism has brought a new awareness of our world to me. I have seen our greatest achievements, and our greatest follies, all of which are overlooked by the common man. Bob has shown me this.
I had no person to show me the way, I found it on my own. I am not the wisest soul on Earth, nor the smartest. I am merely a common man, who by chance, hit upon a new philosophy, a new religion.
I have said in the past, that Bobism is the only true religion, and I believe this. For me Bobism is the only religion I can follow without need of a threat, such as hell, or limbo, and doesn't demand unquestioning faith, the defining aspect of a cult. Luckily there is a Bob, and I found him, He has been waiting to reveal himself, and now is the time.
This is the Truth, this is Bob....
Part IV. The Philosophies of Bob
In the beginning, there was Bob. Bob was the sole inhabitant of the universe. It was an interesting place, but hard to find things in, because it was so dark. Bob didn't mind the occasional stubbed toe since he didn't have to deal with Traveling Salesmen, Jehovah's Witnesses, or Lawyers. Things were about to change though...
After a few million years, Bob got bored. You can only play so many games of Solitaire, and no good music could be found in local record stores. Added upon this was the fact that there were no record stores, or records for that matter.
So Bob, in his finite wisdom, and infinite power, created Stuff. Stuff was the first science in the universe, which was also new. Stuff was the science of placing unimportant things in a place so as to make it seem important. To Bob, Stuff, was the only pure thing in the universe, and is sacred to him.
And then, Bob created Earth. He created along with it, a lifeform of such beauty, and intelligence, that he felt he would never be lonely again. Unfortunately, in addition to this lifeform, Bob also created man in his own image and woman after something he saw in a Calvin Klein commercial. The result of this was that cats were turned into pets. Their brains atrophied and in time all they could do was Purr, an unusual form of hypnotic suggestion activated by means of an annoying scream called a "Meow". Bob found this quite amusing, despite the loss of a possible companion species.
But, Bob began to see disturbing things in humanity. Things like lawyers, and 7-Eleven's threatened to take away his favorite form of entertainment, which was inventing new ways to make people look like fools. He made things like Black Holes, and fake money you buy with real money and give to your children, Bob had a good laugh out of that one...
So Bob decided he must help the humans. He revealed himself to one man. And the truth spread...
Bob says....
Eat doughnuts, for they are round, and all things round are good.
Eat pizza, for it is round. (Especially divine with pepperoni)
Relax, life's a bitch, but who really cares?
There are a few sources of divine entertainment...
1. Douglas Adams Novels (Now there's a Frood who really knows where his aglets are!)
2. William Gibson ("Count Zero")/Neil Stephenson ("Snow Crash")
3. Foreign game shows
4. Anime ("Japanimation")
5. The Tick
6. Nirvana (Formerly Metallica in their pre-"Only Cash Matters" days)
7. H. P. Lovecraft
8. Joe Satriani (With the possible exception of the self-titled album. Possibly a case of ego overriding talent. When one sets themself over Bob, one is likely to get a wedgie)
Do unto others as you can, without getting hurt too bad. (Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law)
Nukes are fun .
Shakespeare isn't as bad as everyone thinks...
Never trust a purple dinosaur. (Or a laughing stuffed toy)
I find it interesting to note that Elvis sightings seem to occur more and more, while jobs as Elvis impersonators are more and more common... And, although I find the Weekly World News highly entertaining, its accuracy is questionable. For example, there was the article about the woman who was eaten by her lawn...
For a time I walked without aglets. You can be sure that it was far more difficult than any other time in my life. For, as Bob has shown me, the aglet is the means through which we humans may learn to commune with Bob. Without aglets there is only darkness.
I once heard the story of a man who walked without aglets. He lost his job and when his car was repossessed they backed over his wife's dog. One of my students heard this. She went to him immediately to console him, and to give Bob's condolences. While there she noticed the man's lack of aglets. "You have no aglets," she said. "If you give yourself over to the Teachings of Bob, and if you find your aglets, Bob will reward you."
The man saw the truth of this. He found his aglets and is starting life again, with Bob's guidance, I am sure he will succeed.
Bob doesn't claim to be a god, though by our standards he would be. He views religion as something of a curiosity. Bob will provide an eternal life to anyone who should chose to spend eternity with him. Of course, Bob reserves the right to send you to your room without dinner, or to refuse the use of his "teleporter" for a trip to the Moon with your girlfriend, if you do something which pisses him off. But, Bob would not send you to a world of fire to slave for some guy who's father was a man, and who's mother was a cow. That would be stupid. (Bob tells me that he has done that for an April Fool's trick on Pope John Paul, but he was only there for a few moments.) Human beings are inherently stupid, how could they be expected to realize the truth? So Bob punishes no one by denial of an afterlife, or a torturous one. (A funny one maybe.)
How many inhabitants of the Earth can you name which use hydraulic pressure to move? I can name two: the Starfish, and the Arachnid. (I wonder what would happen if you stuck a spider in a microwave....) But, the ocean is the source of life on Earth, it is the only place where cloning is used as a means of reproduction. The ocean is expected to have new forms of life with different ways of doing things. But, what about the spider? It has been on land for as long as I can remember. How is it possible that this is the only land animal which uses hydraulics to move? Bob has the answer.
Spiders are aliens. Or rather, they are something aliens brought with them millions of years ago, and chased out of their spacecraft. As Bob says, the only good spider is a dead spider.
I asked Bob why he didn't just get rid of them. He told me that he tried once with another species, but ecologists started screaming about how this animal was now an endangered species. "It's just too much of a pain having to listen to ecologists complain about little things like this. I have great respect for them, but sometimes they go too far."
...just kidding. Perhaps you should see Bob's section on common sense.
THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW...
Most people don't know that English is 40% French. The reason for this is that the Normans conquered England in 1066 and ruled over the Anglo-Saxons. Interesting isn't it?
Scholars have found evidence of the word "Gullible" in ancient Arabic texts dating to 493 BC. Oddly enough the word was used then to mean "Short."
Arabic is also the origin of many ideas which we today find hard to imagine a time without. Following the Crusades, Arabia was the source of much knowledge which had been lost, as well as some they had introduced themselves. Among these ideas was that of a "Zero," which is written as a hole, "0."
Volumes could be written on this subject.... As we all know, people are... dumb. Only a human would be stupid enough to steal a car, then answer the car phone when it rings. Only a human would be stupid enough to create the Brady Bunch (Though not even a human could enjoy it.) and only a human would be stupid enough to watch it. Only a human would respond to: "Hey, @$$h0le;" "Look! Behind you!;" or "Drop that banana!"
Part IV. The Philosophies of Bob.
Bob took questions from a philosophy text-book and responded to them. He thought that this would be the best source of common questions people had, he didn't understand that philosophers are almost as strange a lot as podiatrists...
1. Is it possible to know anything with absolute certainty? To answer this question you must consider the word "certainty." Certainty does not necessarily mean "fact". Certainty is a state of mind, which a description of one's level of belief, or conviction. Man has always shown the ability to believe in even the wildest of things. So the answer is definitely, yes.
2. Do people really have free will? Free will is difficult to define. The answer varies with the definition. If you mean, "can a person do as she/he wishes without restriction?" the answer is, no. There are a great number of forces acting on people which will restrict them, one of the more obvious ones being gravity.
Laws the governments create don't really stop people from doing things. Doing certain things have detrimental effect on society and so these things are made "against the Law." But the "Law" doesn't keep all people from doing these things in the way that gravity would though, otherwise police officers, judges, and juries wouldn't be necessary. The "Law" is more of a warning, "if you do this, you will be punished."
Finally, if you mean, "are people free to think what they want to think?" the answer is, yes. Try to think of something that you aren't capable of thinking. When you figure it out, let me know.
3. Are some actions really right and others wrong? Yes, for example, pissing me off is wrong. Nest question.
4. Does life have a purpose? Your purpose in life is to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one--Sorry, that's Star Trek. Your purpose is to amuse me, I was bored and here you are. But if you don't, don't worry about it, I'm used to it. Besides, I've got so many books to read they'll last me until the end of time! Or, at least till next Tuesday. So, do what you want to do, but remember number three ... I'll be watching.
5. Is a person more than a physical body? Uh, like... yeah. Well..., yeah. Who asks these questions? Do you think with your arm? If you loose a toe, is your brain function impaired? The body is merely a tool, the true person is in the mind.
6. Does the world have to be just the way it is, or could it have been different? It was different, now its not. Try to keep up.
7. What is art? Art is actually a simple concept which people have trouble putting into words. The basic idea of art is conveying thoughts, ideas, or emotions without actually saying them.
8. Is there a God? Remember number three ? Next question.
9. What difference does it make if there is or isn't a God? Excuse me?! What difference does it make if there is a you or not?
10. Why is there death? It helps to fight procrastination. Besides, think of all the people who would be unemployed if it weren't for death: doctors, soldiers, morticians. That wouldn't be very nice would it? Think about it, remember why the handshake started? To show you didn't have a hidden weapon. So we've got a hundred million Highlanders running around, poking each other with knives so the other person knows he doesn't have a weapon (It makes sense, but you have to be really tired, drunk, or Bob to see that). And if you are walking around with a knife sticking out of your chest, you could fall and hurt yourself! So there's the public safety thing. Now, aren't you glad there's death?
Infinite Power, Finite Wisdom
Bob is not the first of his kind. Immortals have always existed, and always will (That's what makes them immortal.). Before Bob, though there was no Stuff. The reason for this can be found in the writings of Bob's Witness, Phil the Podiatrist. Remember though, that podiatrists are a strange lot and cannot be trusted completely.
"Bob came to me today. I was waiting at a red light and he climbed into my car. 'Who are you?' I demanded. 'Bob.' He said. We rode for a time in silence, then at last, he spoke. 'I'm bored.' He announced. I offered to stop and let him out, but he waved his hand as a dismissal of the idea. 'Nah... Something'll come up."
Perhaps this is not the best example. Unfortunately, Phil is the only of Bob's Witnesses. Bob gave up after Phil's committal to Camarillo State Mental Hospital. Odd situation there, had something to do with a paperclip, a banana, and twenty feet of string. But I'm not going to go into that. On to part six.
THAT GUY PLATO
If ever there was someone more deserving of a banana, and twenty feet of string, than Plato, I don't know who it was. Why didn't anyone ever just say to him, "That's nice Plato, go play with your forms." The Greeks, unfortunately, were too polite to tell him to shove off, so we ended up believing that the Sun goes around the Earth for 2000 years.
GEOCENTRICITY
If you've been reading in order, you know about Phil the Podiatrist (Sorry 'bout that, won't happen again) and Plato. The interesting thing about the Plato story is this... For two thousand years, the Sun did go around the Earth.
Oh, and Plato wasn't really that bad either. Please don't take any of this as fact, at least not until you confirm it with me by e-mail at
[email protected].