October 31, 2000

I fear I may have betrayed the journal at times. Have I been frightened away from the original idea of the journal? Have I concealed my thoughts from it out of fear of reprisal? We’ve seen proof that things I say here will get a response, and I’ll have to defend them, even though that’s not at all the purpose of the journal… I’ll ponder something here, and it’ll end up the topic of debate in the forum, or somewhere else…

If I’m going to be honest and open, then I’m going to say things here that will piss people off. They’ll think its me making a statement to the world, but that’s not necessarily what’s going on… We all have some crazy shit go through our heads, things we’re ashamed of, things we’re afraid of… and while in the early days of the journal, I was open to writing those things, I’m not anymore…

Many people read the journal silently, not responding to what is written. But do they silently judge? Others speak out, challenging what I say. Do they understand the point of this?

I don’t mean to single james out. I know that’s what its going to look like, since he’s the one that is always responding to the journal in the forum, but I don’t want to point the finger. There’s a real problem with percieved lines…

If you want to see what I’m up to, what I’m thinking, what I’m pondering, then that’s what the journal is. If you want to debate something, then that’s what the forum is for. But the journal isn’t here to serve as fuel for the forum.

Maybe I’ll get back to the purity of the journal, I don’t know… Its not just the fear that’s kept me from describing mein kampf lately… Maybe I’ll get into that later.

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