The last few weeks, I’ve been doing some little pond > big pond transitions… Its tough. I’m totally off balance, I’m being challenged left and right, my little pond ego is being torn apart… Growing pains, I suppose.

Its been two months since e/irwin ate last… He’s been shedding off little bits of scale, though, so I think that’s a good sign… soon as his skin is better he should be good to eat… I hope.

antionline got hacked the other day… you know, considering all the noise they make about withstanding attack after attack, they sure are down a lot… I haven’t been able to hit their page in days.

Oh yeah, so I think I may have spooked Space the other day when I told him how I respond to spiders dropping on my bare leg while I’m in the bathroom:

I cripple you, drown you, urinate on your corpse, and flush you…

I don’t see a problem with that.

So, I was quaking a bit earlier tonight… I snuck into the enemy base, stepped on a spike trap heading down the spirals (it was mega), grabbed the flag, and made it back into my base before getting a rocket in the back… I respawned, dropped down the grate, and tossed off a rocket at the soldier who took me out… he croaked, but he had just planted a spike trap, which I landed on as I grabbed the flag and limped up to cap… In a 5 on 5 match, a soldier with a spike trap through his foot should NOT be able to cap!

I fear I may have betrayed the journal at times. Have I been frightened away from the original idea of the journal? Have I concealed my thoughts from it out of fear of reprisal? We’ve seen proof that things I say here will get a response, and I’ll have to defend them, even though that’s not at all the purpose of the journal… I’ll ponder something here, and it’ll end up the topic of debate in the forum, or somewhere else…

If I’m going to be honest and open, then I’m going to say things here that will piss people off. They’ll think its me making a statement to the world, but that’s not necessarily what’s going on… We all have some crazy shit go through our heads, things we’re ashamed of, things we’re afraid of… and while in the early days of the journal, I was open to writing those things, I’m not anymore…

Many people read the journal silently, not responding to what is written. But do they silently judge? Others speak out, challenging what I say. Do they understand the point of this?

I don’t mean to single james out. I know that’s what its going to look like, since he’s the one that is always responding to the journal in the forum, but I don’t want to point the finger. There’s a real problem with percieved lines…

If you want to see what I’m up to, what I’m thinking, what I’m pondering, then that’s what the journal is. If you want to debate something, then that’s what the forum is for. But the journal isn’t here to serve as fuel for the forum.

Maybe I’ll get back to the purity of the journal, I don’t know… Its not just the fear that’s kept me from describing mein kampf lately… Maybe I’ll get into that later.

I was up until 9 am this morning. My dad was sick, so I went with mom down to CLU to toss tennis balls to Buffy until she was exhausted. I got woken up at 2 by a couple phone calls, then slept until about 5. Very nocturnal… Not good, considering I have a doctor’s appt tomorrow.

So, one of the phone calls was from my friend Gretchen. She wanted to let me know that she’s getting divorced and will probably be coming out to california for a couple months. This is good, I really felt she shouldn’t have been with that guy, for a number of reasons. He had a temper, but when last I saw Gretchen he hadn’t hit her… I don’t know if that’s still the case…